I started smoking on September 20, 2013.
I try to remember the reason I picked up my first cigarette. I think it was because it was hell week at that time, or because I was feeling the pressure and stress from other things outside school.Or was it because I didn't see my crush on that day? I really can't remember, maybe I was just bored with my life and I want to do something different.
The first smoke was awkward. I didn't know to light the stick. I didn't know how to hold the cigarette. Should I hold it between my two fingers? My first puff wasn't even that memorable. After finishing my first cigarette, I vouched never to smoke again. But after two hours, I went to the only place where cigarettes are being sold. I bought two and told myself once again never to smoke again. Lo and behold there was a party that night. I think I smoked half a pack. Talk about promises right.
The height of my addiction started in the early weeks of February. At the start of the year my resolution was to smoke one cigarette only in one week. But I guess I let the stress get into me that I started smoking 3-5 cigarettes a day.
I finally felt the effects of smoking when I went biking after not doing so for two weeks. After biking uphill in a road I usually pass by, I couldn't breathe and I had to stop at the side of the road. I remember breathing as hard as I can. I was getting a little woozy and I clearly remember heavy chest pains. I was with my dad (who have no clue I was smoking) and he was wondering why I stopped unexpectedly in a path I usually take. That was when I realized, I had to stop.
It's been 8 days since I had my last smoke. And it's killing me. Whenever I see someone smoking, I have this urge of asking him/her for a cigarette. And whenever I am in a convenience store, I have clench my fists to resist from buying a pack of (very expensive) cigarettes.
I am posting this blog because I just want to record that I really want to quit. I'm quite sure I might smoke again in the future. So if you see me with a cigarette, can you just approach me and instead of slapping my face or cursing me, just give me a hug or any sign of affection. I think that's what most addicts want to feel. That despite of the bad stuff, someone is still there right beside them for support and all.
PS. If you're reading this Mom and Dad, I'm sorry you have to learn it this way. But don't worry about me. I'm okay. I'm okay.
