19 May 2024

 There was an Art Gallery at the mall where I was with my family. It was a portrait of flowers. 

While walking around the gallery, there were particular paintings that I liked. Mostly it was about sunflowers. 

While looking at it, I cried. It reminded me of a past lover who have forgotten about me. I cried because that is one of the few things embedded in my mind when I visited her room many months ago. 

For a few minutes I was crying in the Art Gallery because I remembered she loved painting. And she loved sunflowers.

I wish her the best. I want her to be happy. And if my absence brings her peace, then I will not let my presence be felt. That is the only way I can make her happy. 

How about, how am I? Lost. I am still lost. 

6:42 AM April 22, 2024

 It's Monday morning. I woke up at 4AM. 

I am living in the condo I am paying for with my own money. 

I have a good weekend, because I was with people who care about me. 

I am not even sure if people are reading this. I am hoping no one is reading this. 

I am okay. I am not a screwup. I have friends. I made mistakes. But I do learn from them. I focus on what I have and try my best to be more okay with the things that I have. I am okay. I am fine. 

I am okay. I am fine. I am okay. I am fine. I am okay. I am fine. 

Life is good. I am okay. I am fine. Everything is going to plan. I am okay. I am fine. Life is okay. 

Learn to love myself. I am okay, I am fine. Relax, Monique. Learn to love yourself. You are going to be okay. I am okay I am fine. Learn to love yourself, Monique. Everything is going to be okay. I am okay. I am fine. My life is not a mess. I am just weaving through the different emotions my body. I am okay. I am fine. I am going to be okay. I am going to fine. 

I have a good life. I have a good life. I have a good life. 

The Truth

And so comes the hard part. The truth.

Looking back I think that I could have prevented this. That I could have controlled the way I perceived my situation. But old habits die hard.

There's no more point in crying. Or worrying or blaming other people for my demise. I have accepted it. But I am not really ready yet to tell people what happened. I hate it that they might ask questions that can be answered even without an explanation; that I failed.

So let me have time alone and rethink. What now?

Fight Monique. Carry on and fight.

The Aftermath

While I sit here in front of my laptop, reflect the things that happened the past few months and try to put into words what happened in my first semester of law school, it's now clear to me the parallels of law school with my output in life.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed reading the cases assigned in my classes. I loved the Socratic method in class most especially when I see my classmates able to answer with all their might our God-like professors. Most of all, I like the practicality of studying the law, and the skills being practiced in law school. But I guess I just realized the beauty of law school in the latter part of the semester.

I'm not happy with the outcome of my hard work. But the silver lining in this situation is the fact that I'll be coming back next semester. And I'm not going to start my semester with fear or the feeling of failure, just like what happened last time. I'm not going to face my cases nor readings with scorn. And I'll face my recits with calm and the belief that I could do it.

My first semester in law school has definitely revealed my weaknesses. But on the bright side, I know I can still improve. So this is a reminder to myself that it is okay to stumble once in a while in law school. What I need to do is to bounce back as fast I can in order to prepare myself from the other perils or possible scenarios in law school.

It's time to move on and get ready for the next semester with hope.

Sa Totoo Lang.

Oo na. Sige na. Aaminin ko na.

Miss na miss ko na ang UP. Miss ko na ang AS kung saan halos lahat ng klase ko ay ginaganap.
Miss ko ang Main Library na kung saan kung saan ako’y natutulog at syempre nag-reresearch din. Miss ko na ang sunken garden na kung minsan ako’y nakaupo doon at nagmumuni tungkol sa buhay, pag-ibig (chos) at iba pa. 

Miss ko na ang acad oval kung saan ako nag-jojogging para mawala sa isip ang mga problema.
Miss ko ang Rodics, ang Shopping Center at ang area 2.
Miss ko na ang CASAA. Miss ko nang kumain ng pagkain na hindi mamahalin.  

Nakakaiyak na nagmumuni ako ng ganito. Bakit ngayon ko ‘toh ginagawa? Sobrang laki na ba ng mga problema ko kung kaya ganito ang ginagawa ko? :( Nakakaiyak.

On Smokes and Cigarettes

I started smoking on September 20, 2013. 

I try to remember the reason I picked up my first cigarette. I think it was because it was hell week at that time, or because I was feeling the pressure and stress from other things outside school.Or was it because I didn't see my crush on that day? I really can't remember, maybe I was just bored with my life and I want to do something different. 

The first smoke was  awkward. I didn't know to light the stick. I didn't know how to hold the cigarette. Should I hold it between my two fingers? My first puff wasn't even that memorable. After finishing my first cigarette, I vouched never to smoke again. But after two hours, I went to the only place where cigarettes are being sold. I bought two and told myself once again never to smoke again. Lo and behold there was a party that night. I think I  smoked half a pack. Talk about promises right. 

The height of my addiction started in the early weeks of February. At the start of the year my resolution was to smoke one cigarette only in one week. But I guess I let the stress get into me that I started smoking 3-5 cigarettes a day. 

I finally felt the effects of smoking when I went biking after not doing so for two weeks. After biking uphill in a road I usually pass by, I couldn't breathe and I had to stop at the side of the road. I remember breathing as hard as I can. I was getting a little woozy and I clearly remember heavy chest pains. I was with my dad (who have no clue I was smoking) and he was wondering why I stopped unexpectedly in a path I usually take. That was when I realized, I had to stop. 

It's been 8 days since I had my last smoke. And it's killing me. Whenever I see someone smoking, I have this urge of asking him/her for a cigarette. And whenever I am in a convenience store, I have clench my fists to resist from buying a pack of (very expensive) cigarettes. 

I am posting this blog because I just want to record that I really want to quit. I'm quite sure I might smoke again in the future. So if you see me with a cigarette, can you just approach me and instead of slapping my face or cursing me, just give me a hug or any sign of affection. I think that's what most addicts want to feel. That despite of the bad stuff, someone is still there right beside them for support and all. 

PS. If you're reading this Mom and Dad, I'm sorry you have to learn it this way. But don't worry about me. I'm okay. I'm okay. 

Thoughts on My Sister's Keeper

Relationships. We all have varying degrees of relationships with the people around us. For some we can share the most intimate thoughts, while for some whom we only share the mundane day-to-day activities required to make life supposedly easier. What we fail to realize is that these relationships do not last long and once the bonds formed in these relationships are strained, it will take a huge turn of events in order to mend the bond.

My Sister's Keeper is a story about relationships. The complexity of the story does not only end with the Fitzgerald family, who are the main characters in the book. It also extended to Alex and Julia. Jodi Picoult was able to mesh an intricate web of relationships with the addition of emotional attachment. I have to admit I was distressed after reading the book. Never did I imagine a sudden plot twist as what I have read in the last few pages of  My Sister's Keeper.